Anyone who truely knows me knows how I am a sensitive person. I'm not a whiner really at all and there is alot that I can take. But when the cap FLIES off of me, it really does fly off.

I've been teetering on the breaking point lately.

I'm tired of defending who I am, but being the sensitive person I have been my whole life, I can't exactly TURN off how other people make me feel.

I don't beleive in abusing friends.

I don't believe in forcing your thoughts or opinions onto someone else.

I don't believe in contradicting everything someone else says, just so I can "shut them up". (FYI: shutting people up is not right or nice and if you're a friend you wouldn't do such a thing. And!!!! AND I believe IF it is nessesary to "shut someone up" it better be for a good reason. Because being "shut up" really fucking hurts. Have a heart. 

I only complain when I've had my fill of the subject at hand.

I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to have been.

Never say, "that's life" or "that's just the way it goes" to someone. Why don't you just say "Fuck you, your views mean nothing and sit and shut up about it!" At least it's more direct.

I was raised to be a nice person. Even when people are complete unloving, uncaring assholes to me I am nice to them, to a point. And that point is where I am now.

So I have a decision to make I guess.

Do I learn to completely ignore the people who are mean fuckers to me or do i just silently cut them out of my life and go on?

It's really a shame because I used to be good friends with these people. Now it simply hurts to be around them. They're not the easiest people to talk to and I am not sure if coming clean to them would even work.

Mostly because I have no idea what I did wrong to them.

Yes I know.

What a hell of a fucking blog title eh? Especially after not bloggin on this thing for like a million years. Well, maybe that should change. I'm at work right now and they just stated something about "changes" going to have to take place that will probally effect me greatly.

You see I work in East Bumblefuck. The section of NJ I work in is only really accessible by 3 bus lines...all limited service.. so my manager has been letting the people who take the bus leave early 15 to 20 minutes early to catch the earlier bus home. This has been this way since I started here a year and a half ago. Now they want to change it...

I know why the sudden change right? Well, what I have gathered from rumors and overhearing is that they are going to be changing our hours. Right now I work 8:30 to 5... but I am always HERE at 8am mind you and I answer the fucking phone, open the door for people to get in, and nevermind take care of my own shit BY MYSELF FOR A HALF HOUR before anyone else in my section gets here. I wouldn't at all complain about that because the girls I work with in my section/department whatever are the coolest and they stay until 5pm where as I currently leave at 4:40 to catch my bus pre-rush hour which was PREDISCUSSED AND ALLOWED by my manager. I didn't just decide upon myself to do it.

Now most of the people at my job are mostly one specific "genre" of people and I am not ANTI any religion, race, sex, or class per se but it fucking annoys me when just because your boss' "genre" matches your genre means you can get away with slacking off, coming in late, or you know things that the "non-genre-sharing" people of the same company would be given shit for.

It's just not fair. It's blatant descrimination and I don't think anyone deserves that sort of shit.

Really, if I wanted to I could file so many complaints with so many civil and human rights organizations against this company. But I won't right now, because well, I need this job and another job would be difficult to come by in this economy.

If anyone needs anyone to work who loves music, writing, and has alot of computer skills... hit me up.

 good grief

Lisa's bit of advice for the day.

Never put a time stamp on life.
You do not come with a confirmation message saying you've gotten there.
Sometimes you don't know when the hell you've gotten there.
Life's a journey not a destination.

Just set the plan(e) in motion forever moving forward and when you get there... you will get there... but don't be surprised that when you do get there there's a list of other things you have to do. 

As long as you keep moving forward and don't get so angry at the slow pace or the letdowns or the nay-sayers you will be ok.

But man, the sorrow that life throws you can be the worst thing that will keep you back.

I guess take a deep breath and keep on driving.

Some people say that change is good; some people fear it like a plague.

I don't know what I think really.

Change has always made me very nervous. Now, this can be both a good and a bad thing.

I always want change, but when it comes time to make it or when it spontaneously happens to me, the same always happens.

I get physically ill.

As some of you may or may not know,  I started a new job at the end of last week... (ugh even typing that brings a little bit of bad nerves to my body). Its a good job, not incredibly taxing on me, even though, it is busy so, I'm not short on things to do while I am there.

But since I got the job on Weds afternoon... Until Saturday morning or so... i could not sleep or eat and was having bad panic attacks. I'm not exactly sure what it was from... I mean, It could have been from starting something completely new in my life, the fear of going a different route on public transportation that I am not familiar with. Or maybe just that this job is WAY different than any other job I have had. See, I think I actually have responsibility, and ... a good pay increase...

Although it isn't a dream job or anything, it is good and a step in the right direction.

Its funny how one hard decision leads to other decisions.. as many of you may or may not know, at 28,  I do not know how to drive or have a driver's license. Well, I have decided to learn how to drive within the next 6 months or so. I have got the book to begin studying.

If anyone has any tips or anything for me about that. Let me know!

I realize through my stress this past week that I can live through alot and I have.

Although the damage of my past sometimes does get me down and limit me, it is good to know that I can pull myself out of the wreckage and it has all made me a better person.

I cannot thank my family enough for staying up with me the past few nights. I really needed them and they were there.

And to John whom I love more than life itself for sleeping with me these past few nights so I could actually sleep soundly and not toss and turn like I did the nights he was not there.

Thank you to all my friends who talked to me with understanding about everything, mainly Rosa, Angie, Jay, and Rob for telling me it was all going to be ok, leting me change plans a little bit with them, giving me good advice, and making me believe it. I love you all, truely from the bottom of my heart. You're the best friends a person could ever have.

Job or no job. Friends, family, and passion is what truely matters in life.

Or at least so I've learned...

-LMB

But I really do feel hopeful. I feel like maybe something is possible for me.

I know that I am not as normal as other people, or maybe as stable, or even maybe as adaptable as other people... but one thing I do know is I have a drive to be something in life. Something important to me..

I love my boyfriend and he loves me but sometimes I feel like the people around us don't understand us. We look on the surface to be sort of opposites but really we are the same.

It sounds shitty to even have to justify us by saying ANYTHING at all but sometimes I NEED to explain.

Before him, I always wanted to move on. I always felt like there was something else that was destined to be mine. But now, I just feel like I am settled and I am loved. I want to move in with him and we have planned it. I just need a job, because I can't be the type of girl who just lets him pay for everything... as some people thing that he can or should. Bullshit. I want it to be even and I know it will.

Sometimes I just get so sick at some people's "idea" of what a good long lasting relationship should be.... its not that they DO everything for you, its that they are there when you need them to do something for you. And the luck and convienience, dare I say, of not even having to ask them to do nice things for you. They just do. But I think it works both ways... you both have to be willing to do things with no "pay back" just love in return.

After all the shit I have been through, I know that he is the one for me. And I protect him with everything I can. I love him and I love my friends who believe in me and all I can do.

Hopefully I will get a day job soon and then I can start saving for a better life. Not that money can buy happiness because it really can't but it can make reality a little easier to take.

Now, I must go because I kinda feel sick.

I love you all as always.

-LMB